


Piles

by sinemoras09



Series: Curing Cancer [7]
Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Alternate Universe, Citadel of Ricks, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Gen Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22293433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinemoras09/pseuds/sinemoras09
Summary: The adventures of Doofus Rick and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty.  Collection of drabbles/oneshots. AU. Spoilers.
Relationships: Eric Stoltz Mask Morty & Doofus Rick
Series: Curing Cancer [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1579450
Comments: 10
Kudos: 12





	1. Look Who's Purging Now?

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon that pretty much everything C-137 goes through, all the other Ricks in the Central Finite Curve go through something similar, including Doofus Rick. Hopefully this makes sense XDD

"E-excuse me. Does your planet have wiper fluid yet, o-o-or is this a pre-automotive civilization?" Doofus Rick sticks his head out of the window, asking the cat-eared Amish-looking alien standing outside the spaceship.

"The general store ought to have what you need. Of course you'll be wanting to be gone before sundown - sundown is when the festival begins."

"The festival?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. The alien nods.

"Oooh, well for millenia, our society has been free of crime and war, living in perfect peace--"

"Uh oh, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I know what this is," Doofus Rick says. "Those guys have been able to sustain world peace because they have one night a year where they can, can commit any crime w-w-without consequence."

"That's right!" the alien says.

"Seriously?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"I-i-it's like 'The Purge,' Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, like the movie, 'The Purge.' Y-you know, sometimes it's called The Cleansing o-o-or The Red Time. There was one planet w-where they just called it Murder Night. I-i-it's horrible, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. They're peaceful, a-a-and then they just purge."

"Really?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. He leans closer, and then,

"Can we watch?"

*****

"Oh boy, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, the sun is setting. W-w-we should probably go."

They get into the spaceship. Doofus Rick turns on the boosters, powering the aircraft, when Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, "Can't we just stay and watch? Please?"

"W-w-why would you want to watch that, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? You know, people are gonna kill each other--"

"Oh c'mon, Rick. W-we never get to do anything interesting, Rick--"

Doofus Rick starts, "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"

"Please? They're gonna kill each other anyway, w-we'll be safe if we stay in the car."

"Geez, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, y-you know what'll happen," Doofus Rick says. "Someone will, someone will throw a rock and hit the car, a-a-and then we'll crash and be stuck down there, and it'll be what we deserve, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Because we shouldn't, we shouldn't be entertaining ourselves watching other people getting hurt."

"Aw geez, Rick. You know, Terrorist Rick would probably want to watch--"

"Terrorist Rick isn't your Rick, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," Doofus Rick says. He turns on the thrusters. "We're leaving. I-it's my car."

*****

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty is pouting in the passenger seat while the sky darkens and the festival blazes below them. Doofus Rick glances to the side, holding the steering wheel. They're about to rocket up through the atmosphere when Eric Stoltz Mask Morty leans forward, pointing.

"Rick! Look!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

Below them, a girl waves a torch, screaming.

"Rick! W-we gotta help her, Rick!"

Doofus Rick shakes his head. "No can do, buddy. In space, w-w-we have something called a non-interference policy, Eric Stolz Mask Morty. We got the wiper fluid, you watched them kill each other. We're leaving."

"But Rick! They're killing her, Rick!"

"Sorry, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty." He puts on his thrusters.

"Rick! I-I can't believe you, Rick! Y-y-you're always going on about helping other people, you know, but all along you just want to save your own skin!"

"I-it's not like that, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"

"Well then prove it!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "Put your money where your mouth is, Rick! Or else, or else how am I supposed to respect you?"

Doofus Rick looks down again at the crowd of angry villagers descending on her.

"O-okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, you're right. Hold on!"

He wrenches the wheel forward, making the ship lurch into a nosedive. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty screams as Doofus Rick suddenly pulls up on the steering column, the ship slamming into the girl's attackers and skidding through the wheat field. Blood spatters onto the windshield as the girl lets out a shrill scream. Doofus Rick kicks open the door.

"C'mon!" Doofus Rick says. He and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty jump out, running toward the girl. 

"Who, who are you?!" the girl says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty shouts.

"That's my grandpa! We're tourists, we're not part of the purge, we're here to save you!"

"Hurry, kids! C'mon!" Doofus Rick says. More villagers are running, brandishing torches and pitchforks. Doofus Rick grabs the girl by the arm and yanks her into the ship, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty slamming the door behind them.

*****

In the spaceship, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty flirts awkwardly with the girl while the villagers scream and stab and shoot at each other.

"I don't want to answer any more purge questions, okay?" the girl, Arthrisha, says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty deflates visibly.

The spaceship hovers. Doofus Rick checks his watch, then pushes a button on the console. He taps in a command for the computer to calculate the number of hours until sunrise, when Arthrisha lifts her head.

"Oh my god, my Nana!" Arthrisha says. 

"Huh?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"We have to save my Nana!" Arthrisha says.

Doofus Rick glances at Arthrisha.

Usually, when a human panics, there are telltale physiological signs that back it up: a widening of the pupils; increased heartbeat; shallow respirations, all markers of an activated a fight-or-flight response. Arthrisha has none of those. Doofus Rick narrows his eyes.

"You just now remembered you have a Nana?" Doofus Rick says. Arthrisha's eyes dart nervously.

"I was traumatized," Arthrisha says. She doesn't sound convincing. Doofus Rick frowns at her.

"No offense, Arthrisha, but something doesn't seem right," Doofus Rick says. "You've been through, what? Fifteen purges? Including since when you were a child? Remembering your Nana should have been second nature for you. I'm sorry, Arthrisha, I-I don't think I believe you."

"What the hell, Rick!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, something isn't right. I-I mean, if I had someone important, you know, down there, like if you were down there, I-I-I wouldn't forget. She's obviously not telling the truth," Doofus Rick says, glaring at her.

"You think I'm lying?" Arthrisha says.

"Yeah, Rick, you think she's lying?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"Look, I-I'm happy to keep her, you know, safe up here. But I-I'm not risking our lives for some non-existent Nana--"

"You know what, Rick, y-y-you're starting to sound like all those other asshole Ricks," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

Doofus Rick's eyes widen. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"

"No I'm sick of this, Rick! This poor girl needs our help, Rick, but you're too much of a chicken to go down there and help her!"

In the passenger seat, Arthrisha starts to cry. "I'm not lying!" she sobs.

"Aw geez, way to go, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"All right, all right." Doofus Rick lands the spaceship. He pulls out his ray gun.

"Y-you kids stay here. I-I'll go look for her Nana."

"Thank you," Arthrisha says. Doofus Rick frowns, then runs into the house.

"You know, Arthrisha, he's not, he's not usually like that," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I mean, he's actually a really nice guy, you know, he's just a little bit on edge."

"Maybe he should be," Arthrisha says, and she pulls a gun out.

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty starts. "W-w-w-what the hell?!"

"Get out of the car!" Arthrisha says.

"W-wait, what are you doing--"

Arthrisha shoots the gun just to the side of Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's face, the bullet smashing through the window. "I said get out of the fucking car!"

"Oh man." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty staggers out while Arthrisha throws on the thrusters.

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty!" Doofus Rick runs outside, just as the car is launching upright.

"Rick! She took our car, Rick!"

"Oh no, the portal gun is in the car!" They watch as the car veers dangerously into the air.

"Oh crap, more villagers," Doofus Rick says, and they see the throng of villagers heading toward them.

"Can't you, can't you just shoot them?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"But this gun'll incinerate them, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I-I don't want to hurt them--"

"Goddammit, Rick, give me your plasma gun!"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty lunges for Doofus Rick's gun, just as an arrow strikes through it. The ray gun breaks, shattering on the ground.

Doofus Rick yells, "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! Run!"

*****

In the Citadel Headquarters, the command center gets a distress call.

"Who the fuck is this?" A Militia Rick says. The voice is tinny on the phone.

" _This is Rick J-19-Zeta-7. I-I'm requesting back-up over at star system 40-Eridani. W-w-we have hostiles. Repeat, we have hostiles--_ "

"Wait, is this Doofus Rick?" the Militia Rick says.

" _Wha- No! This is Rick J-19-Zeta-7!_ "

"Hey get a load of this. Doofus Rick's putting in a distress call."

"Damn it!" Doofus Rick says, and the door bursts open. Villagers surge into the cabin, wielding weapons. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty grabs the phone.

"Our portal gun and our spaceship's been stolen! Can you please send us help?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. A villager lunges toward Doofus Rick, but Doofus Rick manages to shoot him in the face. "Oh god!"

"The fuck is going on over there?" another Militia Rick says, while the other Militia Rick listens on the phone. On the other line, there's gunshots. "Hey. You dipshits okay?"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's voice screams through the line, " _No!_ "

"Well what the fuck is your Rick doing?"

" _Oh my god, you stupid Citadel Rick! Can't you fucking send some help?!_ "

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! Re-load!" Doofus Rick says, and he tosses Eric Stoltz Mask Morty the gun.

On the phone, the Militia Rick belches, " _Well where the fuck are you two at? Eridani 40 is a fuckin' bigass star system._ "

Doofus Rick starts, "We're at 7-7--"

A villager screams and charges through the broken door.

"1-9-8--"

Doofus Rick ducks a shot, grabs a shotgun and shoots at the man. Two more villagers pour in.

"3-6-4-2--"

Another shot. He ducks, then shoots again.

"1-1-2-5!"

At the Citadel, the Militia Rick yawns. "Say that again? I wasn't paying attention."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty tosses Doofus Rick a crossbow while Doofus Rick yells,

"7-7-1-9-8-3-6-4-2-1-1-2-5! _Aggh_!" Doofus Rick cries out, then crumples, shot. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty screams and runs toward him.

At the Citadel, the Militia Rick sets down his coffee. "What the fuck-- are they okay?"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's voice is panicked on the phone. " _My Rick's been shot!_ "

Doofus Rick groans. "I-I've been shot in the liver, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty grabs his head. "Oh, Christ--"

Doofus Rick winces. "W-we gotta get outta here before they purge us, Morty."

"Oh, man!"

" _Hey. You two_ urrrp _dipshits don't die, okay, we just need you to set up a beacon--_ "

"Can't you just portal here?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

" _And where is_ 'here' _numb nuts? Those coordinates you gave us aren't exactly spitting distance from your location--"_

"Oh, man--"

" _So you two dipshits need to set up a_ urrp _fucking beacon, okay? Get your Rick some fuckin' bandages so we can home in on your position._ "

"Geez." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty takes a breath as the Militia Rick hangs up the phone.

The villagers are dead. Doofus Rick is at a counter, clutching his wound and mixing chemicals in a vial.

"They said we need to set up a beacon," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, as Doofus Rick lifts up his shirt. He squeezes a dropper of the liquid onto his wound.

The flesh sizzles. Doofus Rick squeezes his eyes, wincing. " _Aggh_."

"Oh man, this is my fault," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I-I should have listened to you, Rick. A-a-and now you're all injured."

"I-it's okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I've stopped the bleeding. C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, we need to find somewhere high to send the beacon."

"W-what do we do if they attack us?"

"I-I guess we just hope we don't get purged, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty."

"Geez."

*****

At the Citadel, the Militia Ricks work on tracking their position.

"Hey," a Militia Rick says. "Who wants to take bets that _urrp_ Doofus Rick's gonna kick the bucket?"

"Ha ha!"

"Yeah!"

"Count me in!"

"I'm bettin' that dipshit stays alive," a smug Rick says. The other Ricks groan.

"Ugh, shut the fuck up."

"Stupid dipshit-loving motherfucker."

*****

They find a secluded cliffside, where Doofus Rick works on setting up the beacon. "O-okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, the beacon's been activated. Now hopefully someone at the Citadel locks onto this."

"Aw geez, Rick, you know. Those guys didn't seem too keen to help--"

"Ricks are acerbic, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, but they won't abandon another member of the Citadel."

The beacon blinks. " _Target, locked._ "

"Oh, thank god," Doofus Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty frowns.

A portal blinks open; a squadron of Militia Ricks come out.

"What the fuck, Doofus Rick? Couldn't handle a little purging?"

"Jesus, fuck, what a shitty beacon," the other Militia Rick says.

"Hey dipshit Rick, where's your spaceship?" the other Militia Rick says. Doofus Rick holds up his hands.

"I-it was taken, my portal gun was on it," Doofus Rick says.

"Ugh." The other Militia Ricks groan.

"Hey how about we fuckin' nuke this place?"

"But don't we have a policy of non-interference?" another Rick says. The other Ricks snort.

"Eh. Fuck it. Let's do it."

The Ricks laugh while Eric Stoltz Mask Morty and Doofus Rick frown.

"Are they gonna get our stuff back?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick nods.

"Probably. Although you and I are probably gonna have to pay some fines, you know, for losing our technology," Doofus Rick says. A Militia Rick snorts.

"Yeah, you're gonna be _urrp_ cleaning friggin' toilets for a month. That's the punishment for _urrp_ wasting our time."

"Aw, man."

"Sorry, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, as the Citadel Ricks high five, leaving them. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I told you we should have left, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty."


	2. Edge of Tomorty

"H-hey, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Y-y-you wanna come with me to Forbodulan Prime?"

"What's in Forbodulan Prime?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty.

"Death crystals," Doofus Rick says, smiling. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty frowns at him.

"Death...crystals?"

"They channel electrons to and from the fourth dimension, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, a-a-a-and they can predict all the ways you're gonna die, I can use them in my experiments," Doofus Rick says.

"So they're kind of like crystallized xanthenite?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty remembers the time crystal Doofus Rick had been fiddling with, before he accidentally fractured time.

"Y-yeah, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! It's exactly like crystallized xanthenite!"

"Aw geez, Rick. I-I-I hope using this won't fracture time."

****

Doofus Rick is dead. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty grips his hands on the steering wheel, sweating nervously. He touches the crystal in his pocket and is rewarded with a vision of Jessica telling him she loves him and stroking his hair.

The console beeps, and a hologram of a Citadel Rick flares into focus.

" _We've detected a compromised_ urrp _spaceship. Where is your Rick? W-w-we've lost his bio-signature._ "

"Um...." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty looks around. The visions change - a million ways of dying, and then the one with Jessica, crystallizing in his mind.

"Hey how about you know, you go fuck yourself, Citadel Rick?"

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Y-yeah man. I-I'm sick of your shit."

In the Citadel, a mid-tier research Rick taps the Militia Rick on the shoulder. "It looks like in forty percent of the multiverse, those Ricks were killed because their Mortys got their hand on a Death Crystal." The Militia Rick grabs the phone.

" _You little shit_." The Militia Rick's voice belches from the speaker. " _Y-y-you fuckin' killed your Rick, you fuckin' lying little turd--_ "

"Um. S-sorry, Citadel Rick. I-I'm turning off all communications--"

" _You worthless piece of--_ "

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty switches off the comm. At the Citadel, the Militia Rick groans.

*****

" _Accepting. Re-routed. Back-up. Data. Operation. Phoenix. Initiated._ "

Doofus Rick is spewed out from the glass column, coughing and shivering, the slimy goo of quantum fluid dripping off his skin.

"Aw, geez," Doofus Rick rips off the electrodes. "What now?" The lights switch on suddenly.

"Hey! W-w-w-who the fuck authorized this?" A Caretaker Rick shines a flashlight on Doofus Rick. Doofus Rick turns and sees the thousand columns of clone vats lining the Citadel's subterranean lab.

"Sorry, guys. I-I-I think I got killed," Doofus Rick says. Another Caretaker Rick groans.

"Jesus. We fucking cloned Doofus Rick?"

"Talk about a waste of clones."

"H-hey! I pay for storage space just like all the other Citadel Ricks!" Doofus Rick says. The Caretaker Ricks snort.

"Shit. Now we gotta clone another fuckin' Rick."

"Fuckin' bucktooth, dip-ass, Doofus Rick."

Doofus Rick stands. "Hey!"

"Aggh, Jesus!" The Caretaker Ricks flinch. "Will someone hand him a towel and get him a form at acquisitions? We got a wet naked Doofus Rick clone with his dick hanging out. Nobody wants to see that shit."

*****

Doofus Rick portals back to his home dimension. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty startles.

"Aw, geez!"

Doofus Rick glares. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! Did you really just run me over with the spaceship?!"

"Oh man, oh man, oh man--"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty clutches the death crystal. A thousand deaths whir in his face.

"Aw, geez!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and he grabs a gun.

Doofus Rick's eyes widen. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty--"

A shot. Doofus Rick's body falls with a thud.

****

" _Accepting. Re-routed. Back-up. Data. Operation. Phoenix. Initiated._ "

"Damn it, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty!" Doofus Rick is thrown out of the vat again.

"What the fuck?" the Caretaker Rick says, while Doofus Rick coughs and staggers upright, covering his genitals. "We just finished cloning your replacement!"

Another Caretaker Rick groans. "Jesus. Not again."

"Yeah no kidding. Do you realize how many toilets they're gonna make you scrub for wasting our fucking time?"

"Can someone just bring me a towel?" Doofus Rick says.

"Ugh, gladly," the Caretaker Rick says, and throws Doofus Rick a towel.

****

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! W-w-w-why would you shoot me?!"

"I'm sorry, Rick! I-I wanna die with Jessica!"

"What?!"

"Sorry!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty winces, and he shoots him again.

****

Doofus Rick is thrown out of the vat again, except this time he's inhabiting the body of a normal Rick clone.

A Caretaker Rick rushes toward him, carrying a blanket. "Hey man. Y-you okay?"

"Thanks." Doofus Rick wraps the blanket around his shoulders. Another Caretaker Rick offers him a flask while the other Caretaker Rick flips open a clipboard.

"Man, today is crazy. A whole bunch of clones are being decanted."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, my Morty keeps shooting me." Doofus Rick takes a drink, then makes a face, the vodka burning at the back of his throat.

"All good, that's what these vats are for," the Caretaker Rick says. "You know, for what it's worth, I heard this is happening to almost forty percent of all the Citadel Ricks in the Central Finite Curve."

"Really?" Doofus Rick says. The Caretaker Ricks nod.

"Yeah, look around. You see how many clones have been decanted?"

Doofus Rick looks around, taking stock of all the empty glass columns populating the lab. "Wow."

"Yeah, I know, tell me about it. So you feeling better, man? What's your designation?" the Caretaker Rick says. 

Doofus Rick's eyes dart nervously, trying to stall. "Uh..."

"C'mon man. Mind transfer doesn't fuck up your memory that bad."

Doofus Rick stammers. "It's um. It's..."

The Caretaker Ricks wait for him expectantly.

"It's J-19-Zeta-7," Doofus Rick says, defeated.

"Wait--the fuck?! Didn't we just clone you?!"

"Oh Jesus Christ," another Caretaker Rick says. The other Caretaker Rick yanks off Doofus Rick's blanket.

Doofus Rick protests. "Hey!"

"Gimme my flask back, Jesus. Fuckin' moron. How many times are you gonna die?"

"Do you know how much work you're makin' for us? We gotta clone your original body and transfer you back. No way we're gonna waste a good Rick clone on your stupid ass."

"Yeah, soak it in, asshole. How's it feel to have a better body and not a fucking lazy eye?"

Another Caretaker Rick walks behind them.

"Aw man, we gotta clone this dipshit again?"

"Sorry," Doofus Rick says.

*****

The higher ups at the Citadel gets word that Doofus Rick has used up several normal Rick clones. "The fuck is going on with him?" they ask, and they dispatch a team to Doofus Rick's home dimension.

Helicopters. The Militia Ricks crane their necks as several black hawk helicopters swarm overhead, then turn to see Eric Stoltz Mask Morty levitating, his eyes glowing and a death crystal stuck on his forehead.

"I...will...die...old!"

"What the fuck? I-I thought dip-ass Rick didn't make any weapons?" a Militia Rick says.

"He doesn't - looks like his Morty fuckin' pilfered them from another dimension."

Soldiers scream, bodies melting as the bright flash of the atomizer pulls out bits of their DNA.

"Jesus," a Militia Rick says.

******

In the end, it takes a team of Seal Team Ricks to gun down the Akira Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, black spatters of sludge falling like rain onto the desert ground.

"Sorry, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, sitting at the edge of a Citadel truck and a blanket around his shoulders. "I-I didn't mean to keep killing you."

"I-it's okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty." Doofus Rick spreads his hands. "Just, just try not to do that again."

"Seriously?" a Militia Rick says. Another Militia Rick portals in, carrying a stack of paperwork.

"Yo dipshit," the Militia Rick says. He shoves the stack of papers against Doofus Rick's chest. "Here's all the fuckin' requisition forms justifying the expenses incurred from all those friggin' clones you used up. Oh, a-a-a-and this here's a couple dozen citations. Your Morty stole a bunch of weapons from a bunch of Ricks. Good luck with that, homey. I hear they're super pissed."

"Aw man," Doofus Rick says. The Militia Rick hands him more papers.


	3. Rick Potion #9

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, could you...could you hand me that screwdriver, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? I-I'm almost done with my ionic defibulizer, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, it's gonna be great!"

"Hey listen Rick. You know how the other Ricks say love is a chemical reaction and stuff? Well I was thinking, you know, could you make some sort of chemical...thing...happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing?"

Doofus Rick turns around from his workbench.

"That would be unethical, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," Doofus Rick says.

"Huh?"

"I mean, i-i-it'd be the same as roofie-ing her, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. You can't, you can't just drug some poor girl just so you can date her--"

"I-I'm not saying to drug her, Rick! I-I-I'm just saying, maybe induce a chemical reaction or something, you know, so she can fall in love with me and stuff--"

"And that's the same as drugging her, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I'm sorry. That's gonna be a hard 'no.'"

"Aw geez," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and he hunches his shoulders and goes to the dance.


	4. Something Ricked This Way Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: non-explicit talks about morning wood and erections D:

"Aw geez. Didn't this used to be a Jamba Juice?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, looking around.

They walk into what looks like an antiques store, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty looking around while Doofus Rick walks warily behind him.

"Ah, what a bright young man," someone says, and Doofus Rick and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty look up to see a man in old timey clothes peering menacingly toward them. "What is it that you desire? A potion for the lovelorn, perhaps? This aftershave will make you irresistible to women. Free of charge. One never pays here. Not with money."

"Oh boy," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. He starts to take the potion when Doofus Rick steps in front of him.

"Um, that's okay, w-we're just about to get going," Doofus Rick says.

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty protests, "Rick!"

"C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. This guy, this guy is really creepy."

"A man of science, are we?" the man says, and Doofus Rick and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty turn. "This microscope here might be of interest. It shows you things...beyond comprehension."

"Uh..." Doofus Rick takes the microscope, warily. "That's, that's okay. I-I-I already have a microscope, thanks."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty takes Doofus Rick by the arm. "That microscope looks really cool, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I-I don't trust that guy, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. He might be a devil or a demon, o-o-or even a leprechaun."

"Leprechauns aren't real," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I-I-I've seen dimensions where they're swarming with them! C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, let's get out of here."

****

The bell to the mysterious shop jingles. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty looks around, then cautiously walks back in.

"Ah, so we're back for the love potion, are we, Morty?" the mysterious man says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty beams at him.

*****

"Rick!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty bursts into Doofus Rick's lab. "I-I-I need your help, Rick!"

"What's wrong, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty?" Doofus Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty wails.

"There's something wrong with my dick, Rick!"

"What?" Doofus Rick stares, bewildered, as Eric Stoltz Mask Morty gestures helplessly at his pants.

"I-I-I can't get hard, Rick--"

"What do you mean?" Doofus Rick says, even though from the look on his face, he knows exactly what Eric Stoltz Mask Morty means. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty yells.

"I mean I could have scored with Jessica but I couldn't get a fucking erection!"

Doofus Rick's eyes widen. "Aren't you," he turns several shades of red, "aren't you too young to do all that?"

"Rick!"

"O-okay, okay," Doofus Rick says. He tries not to look at him. "I mean, usually that stuff's vascular or medication-related, a-and you're not diabetic...unless it's just performance anxiety, you know, just...just a bad case of nerves?" Doofus Rick pauses.

"Do you...do you still get morning erections, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? Do you...do you still get morning wood?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's eyes widen.

"Why would you ask me that?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick raises his hands.

"I-it's nothing to be ashamed of, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, all men get morning wood--"

"What the hell, Rick! I-I don't want to hear about you getting morning wood, Rick!"

"I-I'm just trying to assess if it's physiologic, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! I'm not...I'm not trying to embarrass you."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty can't look at him. Doofus Rick is so red he's burning a hole into the ground.

"Aw geez, Rick. Is this, is this like that time you tried telling me about the birds and the bees, Rick?" He thinks of Doofus Rick's hamfisted attempts at having The Talk, which involved stick figure white-board illustrations and the awkward admission that Doofus Rick's knowledge was only theoretical.

"I mean, would you rather go to a doctor, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? You know, talk to a urologist about your condition?" Doofus Rick asks. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty groans.

"Aw geez, Rick, I don't want to talk to a doctor about my dick."

"C'mon, Morty, then, then how am I supposed to help you?"

"Alright, okay!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-it happened after I got the aftershave--"

"Aftershave?" Doofus Rick says. "W-w-what aftershave?"

"The aftershave that makes you irresistible to women, you know, the one from that place that used to be a Jamba Juice? I-it worked, it worked on Jessica! But i-it made me impotent!"

"Morty! What did I tell you about using roofies, Morty?! A-and I knew that place was creepy, Morty! That's why I told you not to go there!"

"Dammit, Rick, I can go wherever I want to, Rick, and it's not a roofie, okay, it's a freaking love potion!"

"O-okay, Morty." Doofus Rick rubs his forehead. "Stay here. I-I'll go talk to that guy, and hopefully I can whip up an antidote."

"Thanks, Rick." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. His eyes track Doofus Rick's movements as he walks across the garage.

*****

"Welcome, welcome. Mr. Sanchez, is it? What do you desire?"

"Um, could I see that microscope again?"

The mysterious man smiles evilly.

"But of course," he says, and hands it to him.

*****

"Oh, geez. Look at this, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-i-if I used this microscope, this would have worsened my cognitive functions."

Doofus Rick's fingers clack on the keyboard. A machine whirs, and a tube of liquid rises out from the port.

"O-okay, buddy, this should do it. Lemme see your arm."

"Ow," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, as Doofus Rick innoculates him. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty looks at his pants.

"It works!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. He gestures to his pants. "I-i-it fucking works! Thank you, Rick, thank you! I'm gonna go see if I can use this on Jessica!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

Doofus Rick jumps up.

"W-wait a minute, what?!"

*****

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty refuses to talk to him.

"I-I already told you, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, using that stuff is unethical! People shouldn't use potions to make other people fall in love with them! That's why I neutralized that aftershave, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, instead of just taking away the curse!"

(In the antique shop downtown, Mr. Needful packs up his wares, because the night before, Doofus Rick flew over the town and sprayed the antidote like he was dusting crops.)


	5. Rest and Ricklaxation

"Complementary psychological detox? Removes all your cognitive toxins and purifies your systems..."

"Ugh," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "That's so gross, talking with phlegm in his throat."

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, he can hear you, don't be rude," Doofus Rick says. The alien clears his throat.

"Sorry about that. Would you like to try?" the alien motions to the door.

"Sure," Doofus Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty rolls his eyes.

*****

The explosion comes before they can catch it.

There's a ringing in Doofus Rick's ears as he pushes himself upright, the weight of his body sinking into the putrid green mud. The sky is dark, and there's a thick stench of rotting bodies choking the air.

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty?!" Doofus Rick trips, looking around frantically. His vision is worse - he can't unify his gaze, his left eye drifting outward stubbornly. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty!"

"Jesus Christ, Rick!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty is half sinking into the mud.

"Oh geez. Oh geez, oh geez." Doofus Rick stumbles, closing his bad eye. "I-I-I think that guy overloaded the machine--"

"Goddammit, Rick! I told you, you're too fucking agreeable, Rick!"

"W-w-w-what are we going to do, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? I-I-I don't know what to do!"

"Pull yourself together, Rick! You're so, you're so fucking useless, Rick! I-I-I can't believe I'm stuck with such a stupid, useless Rick-- are you _crying_?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, as Doofus Rick sobs uncontrollably. "Why the fuck are you crying?!"

"Because we're in the detoxifier, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! And I'm really really scared!"

****

In the ship, Healthy Doofus Rick's eyes face the same direction.

"Hey, uh, you mind if I play some music?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty asks.

"Sure, if it's not that corporate sell-out, autotuned gen Z, pop-idol-wannabe bullshit, yeah, you can listen to music."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty flips on the radio.

" _Grab my, terri-folds. Grab my, foldi-flaps._ "

"Jesus. What the fuck are we listening to?" Healthy Doofus Rick says.

"I just put it on shuffle."

"Ugh." Healthy Doofus Rick changes it to gangsta rap.

"H-hey! I-I-I was listening to that--"

"Yeah, and it was _urrp_ fuckin' _dumb_." He turns up the bass, which booms loudly. "Yeah you hear that? WAY better than that pussy terri-fold shit."

"Aw geez, Rick, you know, y-y-you're really tearing into me--"

"Yeah, I am. Because you have fucking awful taste in music. Christ. Any more of that shit and my ears'll start to fucking bleed."

"Aw, geez."

*****

In the detoxifier, Toxic Doofus Rick hunches over his calculations.

"Dammit, Rick!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I-I thought you were supposed to be a genius, Rick! How come you haven't found a way out yet?!"

"I-I-I'm trying, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! I-I-I'm just not sure about these calculations--"

"Didn't you double-check them already?!"

"I-I-I mean, I did, but I'm still not that sure...."

"Ugh." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty exhales dramatically. Toxic Doofus Rick's eyes fill with tears.

"Wha- why do you keep crying?!"

"Because I'm dumb." Toxic Doofus Rick sniffs pathetically. "I-I-I'm stupid a-and worthless and I don't even have a real grandson!"

"Rick." Toxic Eric Stoltz Mask Morty watches, horrified, as Toxic Doofus Rick curls up into a fetal position, sobbing noiselessly in the corner. "Goddammit, this is why I can't respect you, Rick!"

"Nobody respects me." His voice is muffled by his shirt.

*****

For some reason, school is worse for Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty.

"Aw, geez." Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty hugs his books to his chest, rounding the corner.

Healthy Doofus Rick is working in the garage. "Hey Rick?" Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

Healthy Doofus Rick grunts. "What do you want?"

Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty jumps. "Um. I-i-is it okay if I talk to you, Rick?"

Healthy Doofus Rick lets out an exasperated sigh and sets down his screwdriver loudly. "This better not be a waste of my time."

"Um..." Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty clasps his hands. "I-i-it's about Jessica."

Healthy Doofus Rick rolls his eyes sarcastically. "Oh boy, Morty. You're really, you're really growing up so fast. Growing up into a big pain in my ass."

"Aw geez, Rick. You know. Y-y-you're supposed to help me, Rick. Aren't you, aren't you gonna give me some advice?"

"Here's some advice, Morty. Fuckin stay away from the garage, okay, I'm working on something important, I don't have time to listen to your sob stories and give you pussy-assed advice."

Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty blinks. "Um..."

A portal opens. A few Militia Ricks step out.

"Great, now what," Healthy Doofus Rick says. The Militia Ricks walk toward him.

"Yo ding dong. You were supposed to meet the Council a fucking hour ago, so why don't you _urrp_ drop whatever the shit you're doing and come the fuck over?"

Healthy Doofus Rick rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to the Citadel, dip-ass. I can think of about a million other things to do with my time."

"Excuse me?" the Militia Ricks stare at him. "This isn't a request, it's a fucking order."

"Yeah, like I'm gonna listen to a bunch of _urrp_ glorified Sheep Ricks. You dipshits couldn't even cut it as scientists."

"Is this really Rick J-19-Zeta-7?" one of the Militia Ricks whispers. The other Militia Rick flips a page on his clipboard.

"Hey." Healthy Doofus Rick snaps his fingers. "I'm fucking busy. So unless one of you dipshit Ricks offers to suck my dick, I have no reason to talk to fucking any of you."

"Fuck you," the Militia Rick says, and shoots a portal.

"Oh yeah, real good comeback there. Hey, fuck you too," Healthy Doofus Rick says. The Militia Ricks throw him the finger.

"Um, Rick," Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Healthy Doofus Rick groans.

"Ugh. What?"

"You seem, you seem a little aggressive, Rick."

"Yeah, so?" Healthy Doofus Rick leans over the workbench when a call comes through his sub-ether phone.

"The fuck?" Healthy Doofus Rick answers.

Noises. A bunch of ambient background noises. Healthy Doofus Rick frowns and Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty furrows his brow, nervously.

"Hold on a second - lemme enhance the sound." Healthy Doofus Rick hooks the phone up to a speaker.

" _Aaaaaahhhh h-hello?"_

_"Dammit, Rick--"_

_"I-i-i-is anybody there?"_

_"Of course someone's there, stupid! Just ask them!"_

_"I-if you can hear us, w-we're trapped in the detoxifier, and we really need your help--"_

_"Jesus Christ are you crying again?!"_

_"Oh god, please someone pick up, I-I-I'm so scared--"_

"Great." Healthy Doofus Rick hangs up the phone. "Looks like our fuckin' toxic selves are trying to get out of the detoxifier."

"Wait, what do you mean, our toxic selves?" Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Healthy Doofus Rick waves his hand.

"Obviously, the _urrp_ toxic parts of ourselves are conscious, Morty, and somehow between shitting himself and lying on the ground crying, mine probably figured out a way to contact us."

"Oh geez, well that's good, right Rick? I-I mean, ever since the spa, you've been kind of mean--"

"What? Are you kidding me, Morty? I'm a Rick. A regular Rick. And you're telling me you'd rather _urrp_ be with that grovelling dipshit instead of me? I-I-I've been fucking hamstrung by seventy years of his fucking neuroses! I mean, you'd think if he shared any of my genius, he could make a toxic version of a portal gun, but fortunately that dipshit's a fuckin' idiot. He can stay in the detoxifier. I hope he fucking rots."

"Um..."

Healthy Doofus Rick stands up from the workbench and walks out of the garage, flipping him off.

*****

Nighttime. Healthy Doofus Rick walks into the garage, but instead of the bowl cut, his hair is spiked up in the style of a normal Rick's, except without the bald spot.

"The fuck is this?" Healthy Doofus Rick says, when he sees a small coterie of Militia Ricks working on the detoxifier.

"Hey dipshit. Your Morty called us," a Militia Rick says. "We purchased the containment unit from the detoxifier."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Healthy Doofus Rick says. An image flashes on the screen.

 _"Yeah that's right. We're coming home, bitch!"_ Toxic Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's face fills up the screen.

"What the hell is this?" Healthy Doofus Rick says. The Militia Ricks snort.

"That's the part of your pussy Morty that keeps shit real. Oh, a-a-a-and get a load of this," a Militia Rick says, and he pans the camera.

 _"Oh boy, I'm sorry, fellas! Everybody's gonna be mad at me."_ Toxic Doofus Rick flinches on the screen.

"Hey fuck nuts. We got orders from the Council. You gotta re-integrate with that other Rick."

"Why the fuck would you want to re-integrate that dipshit into me? I'm a Rick - a _urrp_ regular Rick! You should be happy the Citadel has someone like me!"

"Yeah, except the Citadel has fucking _urrp_ dozens of you. What it needs is someone to fucking clean the latrines."

"I heard enough," Healthy Doofus Rick says, and he whirls around and attacks them. The other Ricks surround him but he takes them down, kicking and punching and grabbing a laser gun from a Militia Rick's holster.

"Whoa whoa whoa, take it easy, what do you think you're doing?" the Militia Rick says. 

"What I should've done a long time ago. I'm gonna kill that pussy-ass bitch."

"He's releasing the detoxifier!" The Militia Ricks rush toward him but Healthy Doofus Rick shoots them with the freeze gun, freezing them.

 _"O-oh man, I'm scared!"_ Toxic Doofus Rick says, ducking on screen.

"Rick! Y-y-you froze those Ricks, Rick!" Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Healthy Doofus Rick's fingers clack on the keyboard.

"Yeah no shit. Gimme a second while I open this thing--"

"I-I-I don't think this is a good idea, Rick--"

Smoke. They turn and see the toxic version Doofus Rick crouching in the fluorescent light of the garage.

On the monitor, Toxic Eric Stoltz Morty bangs on the container. _"Hey! W-w-what about me?"_

"Sorry, Toxic Morty." Healthy Doofus Rick pulls out gun. "You're not the one I'm after."

Toxic Doofus Rick cowers, holding up his hands, while Healthy Doofus Rick walks towards him.

"This was a fuckin' long time coming." Healthy Doofus Rick cocks his gun, making Toxic Doofus Rick flinch. "For 70 years you've been holding me back with your lame-ass doubts and your constant second-guessing. And guess what, dip-ass, you're fucking right. There's no way in hell anyone would want to re-merge with a pussy piece of shit like you."

"Rick!" Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty whacks Healthy Doofus Rick across the back of the head. The ray gun goes flying. "Hurry, get the gun, Toxic Rick!"

Healthy Doofus Rick staggers, glaring. "Morty, you fucking little idiot." He reaches into his lab coat. "Don't you realize I have more than one gun?"

Toxic Doofus Rick picks up the gun and holds it uncertainly, while Healthy Eric Stoltz holds out his arms, blocking Healthy Doofus Rick's path. Healthy Doofus Rick cocks his gun.

"Get outta the way, Morty. Let me kill this fucking moron before he accidentally shoots you with that ray gun."

"I'm not gonna let you kill my Rick, Healthy Rick! If you want to shoot him you'll have to go through me!"

"He's not your Rick, stupid! I am!" Healthy Doofus Rick says, when suddenly Toxic Doofus Rick lunges forward, grabbing Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty into a chokehold and yanking him backward. He shoves the barrel of the gun against Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's head.

"Get back!" Toxic Doofus Rick says. "Get back, o-or I'll shoot him, Healthy Rick!"

"What the hell?!" Healthy Doofus Rick says, while Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty struggles.

"Rick, w-w-what are you doing, Rick?!" Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I was protecting you! I was helping you--"

"Sorry Morty, but he's right. I'm not your Rick. And I really don't have a choice." Toxic Doofus Rick shoves the gun hard against Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's temple.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" Healthy Doofus Rick says. Toxic Doofus Rick drags Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty backwards.

"I want to go back," Toxic Doofus Rick says. "I-I hate being separated like this. I'm lonely. I'm scared. Every moment I'm in agony and my whole life is in horrible pain."

"Oh yeah? Well I'm having a fucking ball. Give me one good reason I should merge back with a pussy bitch like you."

"Because if you don't, I'm going to shoot your Morty." And Toxic Doofus Rick shoves the gun hard into Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's temple, hard enough to bruise. "I-I'm not bluffing, Rick. You're all the things you admire about them. You're aggressive and mean and better at fighting. But I'm the one thing you hate about them. The one thing you despise about all Rick-Kind..."

Toxic Doofus Rick digs the gun deeper into Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's temple. Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty stutters, "R-Rick...?"

"Sorry, Morty, but Ricks are selfish assholes, and selfish assholes don't care about their Mortys."

"Aw, geez," Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Healthy Doofus Rick steps forward.

"You fucking piece of shit," Healthy Doofus Rick says. "You really think I'd believe that you'll kill my fucking Morty? That's the all-time weakest bluff I've ever heard in my entire--"

Toxic Doofus Rick shoots Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty in the foot. Healthy Eric Stoltz Morty screams.

"Jesus!" Healthy Doofus Rick says. Toxic Doofus Rick cocks the pistol.

"Y-you're right, I am a piece of shit," Toxic Doofus Rick says. "I-I'm everything you hate about me. I'm stupid and slow and I've got low self-esteem, but you know what else? I-I don't have a conscience, Healthy Rick, and I don't give a crap about killing your Morty."

He shoves the gun harder against Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's temple. Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty shakes, frightened and bleeding, tears rolling down the sides of his face.

"Merge with me or else," Toxic Doofus Rick says. "Y-you wanna kill me, Healthy Rick? Guess what, I'm taking both your Mortys with me."

Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty trembles. "Rick..."

Blood pools around Healthy Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's foot. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty whimpers. "Oh, Rick..."

Healthy Doofus Rick screams. "Just do it! Just do it, you motherfucking cocksucker, just--"

Toxic Doofus Rick jabs the syringe into Healthy Doofus Rick's neck, then gets sucked back into him. The gun clatters. Doofus Rick coughs, then staggers, his left eye drifting outward.

"Oh, geez," Regular Doofus Rick says. He staggers upright, holding the side of his head.

*****

"You fuckin' moron. You know how many toilets we're gonna make you clean up? Jesus Christ, I can't believe you fuckin' froze us."

"Sorry," Doofus Rick says. The Militia Rick grunts and grabs the freeze gun.

"Geez," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "They're really pissed, huh, Rick?"

"I mean, I-I don't blame them, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I guess my Healthy self really steamrolled them."

The Militia Ricks dismantle the detoxifier, taking it back to the Citadel in case they had any problematic Ricks to deal with. Doofus Rick watches, growing increasingly uncomfortable, as the Militia Ricks belch and curse and flip each other off.

"Hey, Morty?"

The portal had closed, leaving Eric Stoltz Mask Morty and Doofus Rick alone in the garage. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty looks over. "Yeah?"

Doofus Rick stammers. "I-I'm really sorry about what happened today. I love you, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I can't believe I tried to kill you, or that I apparently thought it was healthy to be a jerk to you and call you names."

"That wasn't you, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "Besides, I said some pretty fucked up things about you in the detoxifier, you know, so we're pretty much even in my book. I-it was pretty cool, though, seeing you as a regular Rick. I-I didn't like the name-calling, you know, but all that other stuff was pretty cool."

"I may have been a regular Rick, but you became a regular Morty," Doofus Rick says. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I like that you're opinionated, you know. You have a good head on your shoulders. I don't like how Healthy Morty was so easily cowed by Healthy Me."

"Geez, Rick. I guess neither of us liked our healthy selves that much. I did like that you got rid of the bowl cut, though."

Doofus Rick blinks. "What's wrong with my bowl cut?"


	6. Pickle Rick

In nearly 60% of all the Citadel Ricks in the Central Finite Curve, those Ricks turned themselves into pickles. A sizeable portion of those Ricks did it to avoid going to therapy, but a good percentage of them did it because they were bored.

"Yo ding dong," a Militia Rick says. He drops a stack of binders on Doofus Rick's desk. "Y-you've been tapped for surveillance."

"Surveillance?" Doofus Rick looks dismayed at the piles of binders on his workbench. The Militia Rick nods.

"Yeah. A few thousand Citadel Ricks decided to turn themselves into inanimate objects. Most are _urrp_ pickles, a few are fruit, and one of them turned himself into some kind of plant--"

"Cactus," another Militia Rick says.

"Yeah. Cactus." The Militia Rick flips through his clipboard. "Anyway, there's a _urrp_ high possibility this shit can go sideways, you know, so the Citadel's keeping a close eye on the situation. If this alarm buzzes, portal to the dimension where the alarm originated, and help whatever Pickle Rick or Fruit Rick or Random Object Rick's gotten into trouble."

"W-will anyone else help me?" Doofus Rick says. The Militia Ricks snort.

"Please. Most of 'em probably won't even trigger the alarm."

"Aw, geez," Doofus Rick says.

*****

The first alarm goes off at twelve o'clock.

Doofus Rick portals to the coordinates, and finds himself stepping onto the concrete driveway in front of an open garage. The day is warm; nothing in the lab seems amiss. He walks around a bit more when he sees it:

A pickle, lying in the dirt.

Doofus Rick stoops down to pick it up when a pair of eyes snap open. "O-oh geez!" Doofus Rick says, and he drops the pickle, startled. From the ground, he hears a weak voice groan.

"What the _fuck_ \--"

Doofus Rick peers over at the weirdly humanoid face protruding out from the desiccated rind of the dried-out pickle.

"Rick H-25-ipsilon-12? I-I'm Rick J-19-Zeta-7. I-I was sent here by the Citadel...."

"Ugh." The Rick is too weak to protest. Doofus Rick carefully picks the pickle up, noting how hot the rind feels and how the flesh is worryingly dry. He walks back into the garage and looks around.

There's a flask sitting on the workbench. There isn't any water, so Doofus Rick unscrews the lid and splashes the pickle a little with the liquid.

The Rick's mouth opens, parched. "Oh thank god. Vodka."

"Don't drink too much. Alcohol's dehydrating." Doofus Rick screws the cap back on the flask. "Do you have the antidote?" Doofus Rick asks. The Rick coughs.

"Beth...my Beth...fuckin' took it."

"O-okay, H-25. I-it'll take me a couple hours to synthesize it. I-I'm just gonna put you in this jar here--"

"Jar?"

"I-it's not brine, i-it's hyperbaric quantum fluid. I'm just gonna put you in stasis while I synthesize the anti-pickle serum."

The pickle coughs. "Great." Doofus Rick pulls out a syringe and administers the sedative, before dropping the pickle into the jar.

*****

The alarms keep going off. Doofus Rick finds himself wading in the middle of random sewers or ducking behind a Russian mafia's headquarters, the Ricks all in various states of distress and all in pretty bad shape. One Rick even gets half-chewed up a by a rat after he tried to lure a cockroach with his brine, but caught the attention of a hungry rat instead.

By the end of the day, Doofus Rick has almost three jars full of sedated pickle Ricks.

He takes them all to his dimension, where he works on synthesizing the anti-pickle serum. It's hard because all the Ricks had slightly different ways of modifying their cellular matrix, he has to come up with a solution broad enough to cover everybody. Fortunately, Doofus Rick's specialty is in cellular mechanics, and it doesn't take long to figure out a good-enough serum.

He's running the centrifuge when he hears Eric Stoltz Mask Morty coming home.

"Hey Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"Hey Morty." Doofus Rick leans over his work bench. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty gives him a quick glance, then nonchalantly walks over and opens a jar of pickles.

"Ooh. Is this organic?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and Doofus Rick whirls around.

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! No!"

The jar hisses, then steams, and the pickle in Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's hand's eyes snap open.

"What the hell!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and drops it. Doofus Rick just barely manages to catch it.

"I-it's a Rick. They're all Ricks. They turned themselves into pickles."

"What?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty looks into the jars, at the sleeping faces of the pickles packed together in hyperbaric quantum brine.

Doofus Rick finishes synthesizing the antidote. "Okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, we're gonna do one pickle at a time, okay? Let's start with the one you picked up," and they put the pickle on the workbench, Doofus Rick carefully administering the serum--

"Ow! Shit!" The pickle sprouts a head, which slams into the wall, while the rest of its body rapidly enlarges, arms and legs surging outwards and smashing into Doofus Rick's set of glass beakers. The Rick's body is too big for the workbench, and after his body explodes into normal size he topples off the table and slams onto the concrete floor.

"Fuck!" The Rick winces in pain while Doofus Rick rushes to help him.

"Hey fuck nuts." The Rick slaps Doofus Rick's hand away, then stands up. "Next time maybe put us on the floor or something. Jesus, I cracked my skull into the wall when I was re-converting."

"Sorry about that," Doofus Rick says, and he hands the Rick a towel. "W-what's your home dimension?"

"Q-236-gamma-7. Gimme that." The Rick grabs Doofus Rick's portal gun and shoots a portal, flipping him off.

****

Doofus Rick has never seen so many naked Ricks in such a short span of time.

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty is eating a pickle - a real one this time, from Doofus Rick's fridge - while Doofus Rick administers the last of the serum.

"Hey kid," the Rick says, as Doofus Rick checks his vitals. "Wanna know why all the Ricks let it all hang out, while your Rick always covers himself?"

"I mean, my Rick likes privacy, you know, most Ricks don't really care about that stuff," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. The last Rick grins wickedly.

"It's cuz your Rick's a fuckin' _urrp_ Shrimp Dick Rick," the Rick says.

"Hey! I'm not Shrimp Dick Rick! My penis size is the same as yours!" Doofus Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty chokes on his pickle.

"What the hell, Rick! No one wants to hear about your penis!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. The last Rick laughs.

"Yeah, and that's why that dipshit's always been _urrp_ fuckin' single."


	7. Vindicators 3: The Return of World Ender

"Aw geez, is that the Vindibeacon? We're being called to assemble with the Vindicators. Do we have to go?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

Doofus Rick twists his screwdriver, eyeing his invention. "Y-yeah, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, we gotta. The Vindicators only assemble when the universe itself is in danger."

"Aw man, Rick, you know...that whole thing with Doomnomitron kind of sucked, you know. I-I mean, you were the one who made that invention, you know, to identify him out in orbit. A-a-a-and then those Vindicator jerks took all the credit."

"Who gets the credit isn't important. W-w-what matters is the threat had been dealt with."

"Ugh, Rick."

"C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," Doofus Rick says. "I-it's a literal call to adventure!"

*****

The fight against World Ender is so one-sided it's comical. World Ender storms the planet with absurd levels of power, and while the Vindicators leap and jump and vault toward him, World Ender swats at them as if they were stupid flies, at least until Doofus Rick comes in and easily neutralizes him with one of his inventions.

They go back to the Vindicator base. There's a crowd of adoring fans screaming at the Vindicators, holding up signs and banners as the Vindicators walk out of the plane.

"Oh my god, I love you!" a fangirl screams, and a fanboy faints in front of them.

"Okay, Rick, we helped them. Now can we go?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick opens his mouth to speak when Vance Maximus claps his hand on Doofus Rick's shoulder.

"You guys can't go - we're celebrating," Vance Maximus says. "C'mon, Sanchez. The drinks are free."

"He doesn't drink," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, while Doofus Rick says, "I-I suppose we can stay a little while." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty shoots him a look.

"Rick! Those guys always treat you like shit, Rick!"

"Aw, c'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty - i-it's not like they're a bunch of Citadel Ricks."

"Oh man," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and follows him.

*****

The party is hopping. The bass booms, a throng of sweaty bodies dancing beneath a multicolored strobe light, while Eric Stoltz Mask Morty stands with his arms crossed, watching as Doofus Rick tries to mingle with the others.

"Hi," Doofus Rick says. He's come up to a group of women standing in a circle, holding his drink awkwardly and standing too close to be considered normal. "A-a-are you friends of the Vindicators?"

The woman gives him a withering look, and she and the others leave him. Doofus Rick smiles painfully.

"O-okay. Bye, then."

"Oh man," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. He sees Doofus Rick wander over toward Supernova and Million Ants, who seem to be having a private conversation.

"Hi guys," Doofus Rick says. Supernova and Million Ants glance at him. Supernova gives him an icy stare.

"Oh. Hi, Rick." Supernova seems put out. Million Ants' tentacle arms wave.

"I sense a need for approval, stress and insecurity, and an inability to read social cues," Million Ants says.

"Ha ha, that's right, Million Ants!" Doofus Rick grins stupidly. "So w-w-what are you guys up to?"

"We were just leaving," Supernova says, and she motions to Million Ants. Doofus Rick watches them leave, standing awkwardly.

"Rick. Nobody wants to talk to you, Rick. Can we go home now?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"That would be rude, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty - we just got here."

In the corner, a reporter is interviewing Crocubot and Vance Maximus. The reporter sees Doofus Rick and motions toward him. "Can we ask you a few questions for the paper?" the reporter says.

"Oh, sure," Doofus Rick says, smiling, while Eric Stoltz Mask Morty follows him warily.

"So what's it like working with the Vindicators? Is it a dream come true?"

"I-it's an honor to be with them!"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty tunes out. Doofus Rick is talking, beaming widely and leaning forward enthusiastically. Unlike the other Ricks, Doofus Rick is a lonely Rick, and despite his shyness he craves social interaction.

The interview ends. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty watches as Doofus Rick smiles apologetically and leaves to go to the bathroom.

"Ugh, that guy," Vance Maximus says. Alan Rails snorts.

"Tell me about it. I told you we shouldn't have invited him."

"I just felt sorry for him, you know? I mean, the guy's smart, you gotta admit that, but...yeesh. Take a look at him," Vance says, and he gestures toward Doofus Rick with his drink. "I mean, smartest man in the universe, but what about that hair?"

"Are we talking about Rick?" Supernova says. "That guy is so annoying. Why do we keep inviting him?"

"You keep inviting him because you can't do jack shit without him," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and the Vindicators turn.

"Oh," Vance Maximus says. "Morty, right?"

"Cut the crap, Vance. We've assembled three times now."

Vance laughs, an annoying, superhero-type laugh, as if Eric Stoltz Mask Morty were joking with him. "Oh man. You disarmed that neutrino bomb so efficiently. Did Rick teach you how to do that?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty nods. "Well, you know, the other Vindicators and I were talking...how about you come with us on Vindicators 4? I think you've leveled up enough to have your own solo adventure."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's eyes narrow. "You mean without Rick?" he says.

"Yeah!" Vance says. "I mean, you pretty much can do the same stuff he can, right? The gang and I were talking, and Morty....we were all very impressed."

"And I guess this has nothing to do with Rick's 'personality conflicts'?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Supernova and Vance glance at each other.

"He is...strange," Supernova says.

"He doesn't mesh well with the team," Alan Rails says.

"I sense that he has nothing else going for him," Million Ants says.

"Okay, guys, that's enough," Vance says. He raises his hands. "Look. We all know Rick doesn't mean any harm. I mean, c'mon, he's an eccentric genius. He fits the archetype," Vance says. "It's nothing personal kid. Rick's a good guy, he's just--"

"Weird?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. The Vindicators all look at each other. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty crosses his arms.

"Yeah, I'm not coming on Vindicators 4 unless it's with my Rick. So you know. Good luck with all that. We might not even come when you call to assemble."

"You're making a mistake," Vance says. "We've all been talking and you're Vindicators material."

"Yeah, and you can all kiss my ass, okay, Rick's my grandpa, I-I-I'd rather stay with him than hang out with a bunch of high-concept posers." Eric Stoltz Mask Morty turns, irritated, when he runs into Doofus Rick.

"Rick?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty takes a step back. Doofus Rick has a pained look. He looks pleadingly at the Vindicators.

"Y-you guys think I'm weird?"

"Uh..." Vance and Supernova trade glances.

"I-it's okay," Doofus Rick says. "I-I know I can be a little...weird."

"Hey Rick, it's nothing personal," Vance says, but Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I-it's all right, really. No offense taken. Thanks for inviting us to your party," Doofus Rick says.

"Hey, Rick--"

"C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," Doofus Rick says, and his voice breaks. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty sees his eyes filling with tears.

"Hey. Rick?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty follows him as they portal into the garage. "You know, those guys are a bunch of douchebags, Rick, I mean--"

Doofus Rick sniffs, then covers his eyes with his arm.

"Aw geez, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "They're a bunch of assholes, c'mon."

"S-sorry, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty." He's still pressing his forearm to his eyes, big fat tears rolling down the sides of his face. "I-I'm just so happy."

_"Happy?"_

"Y-yeah." Doofus Rick hiccups, then wipes his eyes. "Y-you called me your Grandpa, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I-I've never been so happy!" And he dissolves into tears again.

"What?! Rick! That's the stupidest reason to be crying, Rick!"

"I-I can't help it, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I've never had anyone think of me as family before."

"Aw geez," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and he pats Doofus Rick's arm awkwardly.


	8. The Ricks Must Be Crazy

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty and Doofus Rick are sitting in the car, when Doofus Rick tries turning on the engine.

The engine sputters. Doofus Rick frowns. "Uh oh."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty peers over. "What's wrong, Rick?"

"I-I think something's wrong with the microverse battery," Doofus Rick says, and he and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty get out of the car.

"Microverse battery?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty watches as Doofus Rick opens the trunk, pulling out a fishtank-sized glass structure with what looks like the light of a swirling cosmos glowing inside of it. "Rick, I-I've heard of the microverse battery. I-I didn't think you'd be okay with slavery."

"Slavery?" Doofus Rick says. "O-oh no, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I use a Dyson Sphere. The other Ricks harvest the energy output of a planet but I use the energy generated by a star."

He pops open the glass cage, a thin green portal membrane swirling over it.

"See, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I don't really have an entire universe. What I have is a mini solar system w-with planets that are mostly gaseous and basically uninhabitable. A-and if you're wondering how my taking out their star will affect their gravity, I froze their time locally, so they won't be affected while I make the repairs." He slips his hand through the green portal, then pulls up what looks like a baseball-sized glowing orb of light. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty leans closer.

"Oh wow, Rick, it's not...it's not covered by an actual sphere?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty peers at the star pulsing in Doofus Rick's hand.

"Oh no, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, you can't...you can't put a star in a shell, i-it's just surrounded by satellites. Something's probably off about the configuration."

Doofus Rick puts on a pair of eye loupes, increasing the magnification. He uses nanobots to repair the micro satellites, then carefully slips the glowing orb back through the portal and into the center of the tank. The tank glows, pulsing quietly.

A portal opens. A pair of Citadel Ricks step out, snickering.

"Hey, look at this dipshit, dicking around with _urrp_ Dyson spheres. Hey numb nuts. Y-you know, if you _urrp_ harnessed the energy of an entire civilization, you wouldn't be having this issue right now."

Doofus Rick lowers his eye loupes, glancing upward. "Did you guys come to tow my car?"

"No, dip-ass, we came for ice cream."

"Yeah, unlike this _urrp_ dumbass dicking around his car. Keep it up shitbag."

"Yeah. Maybe a spider'll eat him."

"Ha ha!"

"What a fucking moron."

"Hey! I'm not a moron! Dyson Spheres a-are conceptually more difficult to maintain! I-it's not like passively collecting energy from an enslaved micro-civilization!"

"Yeah, and that's why you're a fucking moron," the Rick says. "Work smarter, not harder, stupid." And they laugh and high five each other again, disappearing through another portal.


	9. Auto Erotic Assimilation

They're flying back when the distress beacon goes off.

"Uh oh. First Rule of Space Travel, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, is always check out a distress beacon." Doofus Rick flips off the alarm. "Nine times out of ten, there's nothing we can do, but one out of ten, we can probably still help them."

"What if it's a trap?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"They're never traps, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, they're usually victims of unfortunate circumstances. Like if their ship got colonized by face huggers or they're fleeing a world-ending virus. Sometimes it's just a mechanical issue, but those aren't usually so bad you have to send out a distress beacon."

They set a course. In the viewfinder, they see the body of a large shift drifting aimlessly, bits of debris floating soundlessly around them.

*****

The corridors are dark and empty. Doofus Rick shines a flashlight, looking around while Eric Stoltz Mask Morty trails behind him. "Something terrible happened here," Doofus Rick says, and the octagonal doors behind them slide open.

"Can you help us?" A group of aliens spill into the deck. "Our planet was taken over by some kind of...entity. It absorbed the minds of our people."

"We didn't notice until it was too late. The people they take over, they...they look like your friends, your family, your leaders...but they're not themselves anymore. They're part of _it_."

"How do you know it didn't get on the ship with you?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, while Doofus Rick lowers his flashlight. The aliens glance at each other.

"H-hey, guys." Doofus Rick takes a step back. "I-I need the first six of you to hang back with me. Can, can you two back there, with the yellow eyes? Can, can you head over to the engine room? I-I need to check on something."

"I can do it," another alien says. Doofus Rick shakes his head.

"I-I think those two with the jaundiced eyes over there need to."

The aliens blink. "Jaundice...?"

The yellow-eyed aliens hiss, pointing at them. " _RARRRR_."

The aliens scream. The yellow-eyed aliens violently grab two of the crew members, shoving them down and vomiting into their mouths.

Doofus Rick grabs Eric Stoltz Mask Morty by the arm. "C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! Run!"

"But, but what about the other crew members?!"

"They've already been infected, w-w-we need to get back to the ship!" They bolt down the corridor.

More aliens. Doofus Rick fires his ray gun.

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty screams. "Oh man oh man...!"

"Morty!" Doofus Rick yanks him into another room.

The door locks, and Doofus Rick shoots the console. Sparks fly as the controls frizzle and short out.

"That should keep them out for a bit." Doofus Rick pulls out his portal gun.

"Morty. I-I'm gonna open a portal to the Citadel. I-it's too risky to portal back to our dimension, there's a chance we may track it back to our planet. Go to the Citadel and activate the distress beacon. I-I'll try and fend them off here."

"Wait, wait, why can't you come with me?!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Outside the blast shield, the infected aliens screech and bang on the doors.

"Someone needs to stay behind and make sure they don't follow us through the portal," Doofus Rick says.

"Rick--!"

More banging, this time louder. Doofus Rick shoots open a portal.

"Go, go Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! A-and hurry!" Doofus Rick charges up his plasma gun.

"Rick! I-I'm not leaving you, Rick!"

"I-it's okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty." Doofus Rick holds up his plasma gun. "I-I'll try to make it back to the ship. Let the Militia Ricks know there's hostiles taking over this quadrant. I-if it's in this dimension it's probably happening in other dimensions as well."

"Aw, geez!" There's a bang, the sound of metal wrenching open. Doofus Rick yells.

"Go! Go! Morty! Go through the portal! Go!"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty throws one last glance at Doofus Rick, before jumping into the portal, the green wormhole winking closed.

*****

"Help! Help! Somebody, help!"

The portal bursts open and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty tumbles through it, landing in the center of the Citadel square.

"Help!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and a few Ricks and Mortys glance at him, some of them visibly confused. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty runs toward a Cop Rick sitting on a cafe stool.

"My Rick is in danger!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. The Cop Rick stands.

"Whoa, whoa, easy. You're an Eric Stoltz Mask-type Morty. W-what's your designation?"

"E-722-beta-5, but my Rick is J-19-Zeta-7," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "W-we answered a distress beacon on an alien ship, but everyone got taken over by something, and now they're after my Rick!"

"Why didn't he portal with you?" the Cop Rick asks.

"H-he said there was a chance of spreading the infection. He wanted to make sure no one else came through the portal, so he stayed behind!"

"Do you have the coordinates?" the Cop Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty nods breathlessly. "Okay, hang tight, E-722 Morty. I'll radio this in. We'll send your Rick some reinforcements."

"Oh, thank you, thank you!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty breathes.

*****

The aliens trudge in unison, dragging their limbs as if half-dead, zombie-like as they look for him. Doofus Rick keeps his back to the wall, gripping his plasma gun in his hands while the aliens search through the corridor behind him. There's no escape. The entity, whatever it is, already surrounded Doofus Rick's ship.

" _Warning. Reactor Breach imminent. Warning. Reactor Breach imminent._ "

Hazy red warning lights pulse ominously above him.

Aw, geez. He's gonna die like this, isn't he? Doofus Rick squeezes his eyes, thankful that at least Eric Stoltz Mask Morty was safe. Briefly he considers portaling back to the Citadel, but the risks are too great: if the entity follows him, there's a chance they could infect the entire Citadel, and from there, spread throughout the rest of the multiverse. No, Doofus Rick can't take that chance.

He swallows, tightening his grip on the gun and steadying his breathing. He can't let himself get captured, they might assimilate his knowledge of the Citadel. But if he kills himself, there's a chance the entity will land the ship and invade somewhere else.

He needs to blow up their ship. Doofus Rick's eyes track toward the hazy red lights, and mentally maps out a path to the engine room. If he could overload the reactor, there's a chance he can wipe out this ship and whatever thing that's infected everybody in it. He can't do anything about the planet, but hopefully Eric Stoltz Mask Morty got word to the Citadel, they can deal with it.

The coast is clear, and he runs, darting between broken bits of debris and half-open metal doors. The ship lurches forward, its stabilizers starting to go offline. He's so scared he feels like he could vomit, his heart thuds rapidly in his chest.

The reactor core. Doofus Rick runs over, then starts typing on the controls. He disables the main shield, then begins the manual override to destabilize the dilithium crystal matrix powering it. The core scorches, then sparks. The ambient lights above him turn a dark, warning red.

" _Warning. Time to Reactor Core Failure. T-Minus. Fifteen. Minutes_."

In the end, his life was meaningless. But at least he could protect his Morty, and keep that thing from invading the Citadel.

Doofus Rick slides his back down against the wall, collapsing into a seated position. He tilts his head upwards as his eyes begin to water.

*****

"Oh, shit. Looks like their warp core's malfunctioned." The Seal Team Ricks portal into the ship, looking around, the red warning lights blinking above them.

"Maybe he's already dead," another Rick says. The head Rick shakes his head.

"We can't let Citadel secrets fall into enemy hands. If he's assimilated, we kill him, and all the other things on here that infected him."

" _Warning. Time to Reactor Core Failure. T-Minus. Thirteen. Minutes_."

"Huh. Looks like this Rick's set to torch this place. If we can't lay eyes on the enemy, we portal out to Inner Space and reconvene to verify the ship's exploded."

"Roger. Copy that."

They hold up their guns, looking through their scopes.

Metal doors burst open, infected aliens lurching into the corridor. But instead of attacking, they stand up, then jut out their hips.

"Hello, Rick."

The Seal Team Ricks lower their guns. "Unity?!"

The infected aliens wink at them.

*****

In the engine room, Doofus Rick is weeping silently, tired and frightened but resigned to die, when the red distress lights suddenly turn off, and the fluorescent white system lights power on above him.

He jumps up, about to run to the reactor core, when he comes face-to-face with a bunch of Seal Team Ricks, the aliens giggling and flirting behind them. They see Doofus Rick and lower their guns.

"Goddammit, it's Doofus Rick."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"I thought we were rescuing an Eric Stoltz Mask-type Rick! Not fuckin' _urrp_ dipshit Doofus Rick."

"Uh, guys." Another Seal Team Rick points at the core.

" _Warning. Time to Reactor Core Failure. T-Minus. Seven Minutes_."

"Ugh. What a fuckin' lame countdown." A Rick starts inputting commands through the keyboard.

Doofus Rick stammers. "W-w-w-what, what's going on? Why are you helping them?! I-I was going to blow up the ship, I was trying to stop them!"

"We used to date, dipshit. I-if you weren't such a goddamn defective Rick, you would already know them."

"Who's 'them'?" Doofus Rick asks. The reactor core goes back online, terminating the countdown. The Seal Team Ricks smirk.

"Their name's Unity. They're a hive mind. I-I knew them when they were the size of a small town, but I guess now they're the size of an entire planet. How fuckin' cool is that?"

"Very fuckin' cool," another Rick answers. "I can't believe we used to tap that!"

The Ricks high five each other, the aliens giggling while Doofus Rick looks stressed out and confused.

"But, but, but how would they know you? You dated them in a different dimension--"

"We've come across different Ricks as they travel the multiverse," the infected alien - Unity - says. "When a Rick visits we're always _very_ happy to see him."

"He's the only single-minded being who really gets the big picture."

"Oh man," Doofus Rick says. The Seal Team Ricks roll their eyes at him.

"Hey Une. This dipshit is one of ours. Is it okay if we take him?"

"Of course. I could never say no to another Rick."

"Ha ha! Hey after this mission, maybe we can visit the planet you took over - you know. A little R and R, some Rest and Ricklaxation?"

"Come to my planet, I'd love to catch up with every one of you." The aliens wink again in unison. The Ricks cheer.

"Yeah! It's a Rick and Unity orgy! A Rick and Unity orgy!"

"What?" Doofus Rick says, at a loss. The Ricks ignore him, putting their arms around the shoulders of the infected aliens.

"Yo ding dong," a Seal Team Rick says, and he shoots open a portal. "You can _urrp_ go and tell the Militia Commander how you almost blew yourself up. We're gonna go have sex with Unity."

"Yeah. Good luck scrubbin' toilets, bro."

Doofus Rick cradles his head while the Ricks high five each other.

"Aw, geez."


	10. Get Schwifty

"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT."

Doofus Rick pushes back the curtain. "Uh oh," he says, as Eric Stoltz Mask Morty runs from the kitchen.

"Rick. W-w-w-what the hell is happening, Rick?!"

"I-it's a Cromulon from the Signus Five Expanse. It's not gonna leave unless Earth comes up with a hit song."

" _What?_ "

Doofus Rick shoots a portal. "C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. We're going to the Citadel."

"What? Why? Are we seriously bailing on this planet, Rick?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty can't believe it.

"O-of course not, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty! W-we gotta find a Rick who can write a hit song."

"I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT," the giant head says. The wind outside picks up, and the sky fills with storm clouds.

"Oh man," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says, and he follows Doofus Rick into the portal.

*****

"What? Flesh Curtains? Pfft. You think there's a Rick who's still part of the Flesh Curtains?"

"Y-yeah. Preferably a Rick wh-who lives in the Citadel a-a-and already abandoned his home dimension?" Doofus Rick says, because Flesh Curtain Ricks are probably dealing with the Cromulons themselves. The Receptionist Rick sighs loudly and taps on his computer.

Doofus Rick is standing at the counter in the Centralized Department of Ricks, which handles the licensing and employment of registered Ricks. Other Ricks take numbers and wait in line, grumbling to their Mortys about how they were fucking geniuses, why couldn't they create a department that was little more than a glorified DMV?

The Receptionist Rick clicks his mouse. "What's this for? A Cromulon invasion? You realize all the other Ricks are handling this themselves?" he says. Another Rick walks out from the back, He taps him on the shoulder, then shows him a clipboard.

"Hey dipshit. Looks like _urrp_ this is your lucky day." The Rick hands Doofus Rick the form. "Go talk to Rick G-184-2-tau-2. That Rick still has a band."

"Thanks fellas." Doofus Rick takes the form.

*****

"Aw geez, Rick. How, how, how are we gonna convince that other Rick, you know, to come and help us and stuff? W-w-w-what if he says no?"

"It's an inviolate law of the Citadel, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Ricks help other Ricks, even if they don't want to o-or make fun of you for actually asking for help." Doofus Rick steps through a portal.

The portal opens up in a studio, where 2-tau-2 Rick and 2-tau-2 Birdperson are smoking weed and writing lyrics. 2-tau-2 Rick looks up.

"The fuck do you want?"

"Um. My dimension's being attacked by the Cromulons, I-I was hoping you wouldn't mind writing a hit song?"

"Ugh." 2-tau-2 Rick belches, then motions to 2-tau-2 Birdperson. "C'mon."

*****

"SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT. I WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT."

Doofus Rick and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty look upward at the giant head, which is blocking the sun and making the sky look different shades of orange.

The giant head's eyes widen. "I LIKE WHAT YOU GOT. GOOD JOOOOOB!"

"Phew!" Doofus Rick says. The Earth rumbles.

*****

2-tau-2 Rick and Birdperson are dicking around in the studio, eating snacks and joking around with Ice-T.

"Rick, this is terrible, Rick!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "They're not doing anything! They're not working on a song."

"I-it's okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, I-I-I'll just freeze time, you know, a-a-and give them some breathing room to write their song." Doofus Rick presses the time crystal into his device. A shockwave forms, and everything is frozen.

"Wha- did you just fuckin' freeze time?" 2-tau-2 Rick says. Doofus Rick nods.

"I-I just thought, you know, if you were having some writer's block, I could just--"

"Throw out a safety net, like a fuckin' poser? W-w-what do you think you are? I'm a Rick. A fucking Flesh Curtains Rick. Genius isn't planned, dummy, it comes in the moment. I can't write a hit song like this."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty steeples his fingers together. "Oh, man."

"Sorry, 2-tau-2. I-I didn't mean to insult your craft," Doofus Rick says. He unfreezes time, then watches helplessly as 2-tau-2 and 2-tau-2 Birdperson go to look for more snacks.

*****

"H-hey, 2-tau-2, thanks again for your help," Doofus Rick says, after the Planet Music show is over. 2-tau-2 Rick grunts.

"Yeah, how about you call me, never." He flips Doofus Rick off, then walks through a portal. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty frowns.

"Geez, Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I never knew Ricks help each other like that. I-I-I just thought it was every Rick for himself?"

Doofus Rick smiles.

"It's one of the reasons why I joined the Citadel."


End file.
